My girlfriend is in Hawaii which its 08:58 at night over there. My whole life up until boot camp, she was a day behind. A day away. Haha its kind of cute to say. We have been on the phone for the last five hours although the last hour and a half she has been asleep. She woke up for like two minutes refusing to hang up. I sit the phone down and put it on speaker incase she wakes up. Like baby I’m right here. I would rather be in your arms but for now I am right here. Right here.
I have learned over the years how essential gentleness towards oneself is. When you are having a bad moment, bad day, bad year, or a seemingly bad life you owe it to yourself to be kind, to be patient, and to be loving.
Beating yourself up over mistakes of the past or present doesn’t help you in anyway to do better. It’s an act of abuse against yourself, and it will only make you hurt more.
Don’t break apart your own soul. Don’t crush your heart into pieces. Please don’t destroy yourself from the inside out. Be gentle with yourself every single second of every moment of every single day. You are learning, you are growing — you will fumble and stumble but I know you can and will rise again.
You are worthy of your own attention, care, and forgiveness. If you’ve been treating yourself badly today I really hope that you’ll take this opportunity to no longer speak hate into your life but rather love, hope, healing, and joy.
You are not a bad person.
You are not a failure.
You are not meaningless.
You are not born to suffer.
You are not fated for misery.
You are a precious human being. Sweetheart, YOU ARE A PRECIOUS HUMAN BEING. A bad moment doesn’t change that. A mistake doesn’t undo your worth. You are a magnificent treasure, and I hope that today you would begin the process of restoring your soul.”
One of the first things they ask you in the ER is to rate your pain on a scale from 1 to 10. I’ve been asked this question hundreds of times and… I remember once, when I couldn’t catch my breath and I felt like my chest was on fire. The nurse asked me to rate the pain, though I couldn’t speak I held up nine fingers. Later, when I start to feeling better, the nurse came in and she called me a fighter. "You know how I know?" she said, "you called a 10 a 9." But that wasn’t the truth. I didn’t called it a 9 ‘cause I was brave. The reason I called it a 9 was because I was saving my 10.
And this was it. This was the great and terrible 10.
19Sept14. Graduated A School. Fuck Fort Lee Army base. I’m home now.